Natalie Feng

Over two millennia ago, ancient China’s Han dynasty, a powerful royal princess named Piao found herself at the helm of a grand decision. She had a beautiful daughter, Jiao, and the fate of her daughter’s future hung in the balance. The emperor’s elder sister sought to unite her daughter with prince Rong, the next in line for the throne. It seemed like the ideal union, a match that would strengthen the kingdom’s legacy. However, Prince Rong’s mother, callow and conceited, callously rejected the betrothal, sending shockwaves through the court. But it didn’t take long for another prince’s mother to step into the fray, one who was politically astute and calculating. She proposed a marriage between her own son, prince Che, and Jiao, the princess’s daughter.

In ancient China, polygamy was the norm. This timely marriage would intertwine the power of the royal princess and prince Che, who, at the time, seemed far from the throne. Yet, under the surface of this union, ambitious princess Piao harbored secret intentions. She orchestrated a series of calculated coups, skillfully removing prince Rong and his mother from the court’s inner circle. In their place, prince Che ascended the throne as the new emperor, with Jiao crowned as the empress by his side.

But this historical drama didn’t culminate with the crowning of empress Jiao. As time went on, she began to offer subtle yet biting reminders to Emperor Che. She claimed that he owed his throne solely to her, a refrain that would have subtle but profound consequences. These incessant debit-claiming reminders, seemingly trivial, worked insidiously to corrode the trust that was the bedrock of their relationship. Eventually, their marriage crumbled, and Jiao found herself banished from the court after relinquishing her title.

This real story is a poignant reminder of how a lack of empathy, even in the grandest of circumstances, can unravel the most powerful bonds. It illuminates the notion that trust is a fragile construct, vulnerable to the subtlest of forces. Let’s delve into the three pillars of trust: authenticity, logic, and empathy, and how they are vital to building and nurturing lasting relationships in the modern world.

Empathy, the Common Wobble

The most common trust wobble is empathy. It’s that nagging feeling that the other person might not have your best interests at heart, that they’re too absorbed in their own concerns. In our fast-paced lives, filled with countless demands, it’s all too easy to neglect the time and space that empathy demands. To truly understand someone, to be there for them, takes time. If we’re swamped with tasks and obligations, we might not find that time. Unfortunately, this sets us on a detrimental cycle where the absence of empathy makes everything harder, eroding trust further, and leaving even less time for empathy.

Logic: Quality and Communication

Logic, the second pillar, can wobble in two ways: the quality of your reasoning or your ability to effectively communicate that reasoning. If your logic is flawed, it’s difficult for others to trust your decisions. Likewise, if you can’t convey your logic clearly, even impeccable reasoning can be misunderstood.

Authenticity Conundrum: The Struggle to Be Real

The third pillar of trust is authenticity, a quality that’s often elusive in a world that sometimes seems obsessed with artifice and appearances. It’s a struggle many of us face, vividly depicted in a passage from a novel:

“There were two women, exquisitely gowned, with strings of pearls round their necks, diamond bracelets on their wrists and costly rings on their fingers. Though the hair of one was darkly hennaed and that of the other unnaturally golden they were strangely alike. They had the same heavily mascaraed eyelashes, the same brightly painted lips, the same rouged cheeks, the same slim figures, maintained at the cost of extreme mortification, the same clear, sharp features, the same hungry restless eyes; and you could not but be conscious that their lives were a desperate struggle to maintain their fading charms.”

In many ways, the authenticity conundrum resonates with all of us. We are tempted to mute our unique qualities, especially in contexts where we perceive ourselves as different. The pressure to conform and the fear of not being accepted can be overwhelming. However, this is a double-edged sword because when we hold back our true selves, we erode trust. People are naturally drawn to authenticity, and it’s a vital component of building meaningful connections.

I’ve faced this challenge throughout my career. Personally and publicly, I’ve been tempted to water down my strong opinions and direct speech, fearing that they set me apart. I hope each of you has the privilege of representing diversity in your own way, but this privilege often comes with a sincere temptation to hold back. When we hold back, trust erodes, opportunities for growth and promotion diminish, and we risk becoming disheartened by the underrepresentation of our unique perspectives in leadership positions. While it might be challenging, particularly when you represent a difference, authenticity can be a source of strength and can set you on a path to building trust and fostering real, lasting connections in your personal and professional life.

To foster relationships, it’s essential to prioritize these elements, authenticity is your strength, even when it sets you apart, and by staying true to yourself, you contribute to a richer, more inclusive leadership landscape.