Natalie Feng

Most people’s self-confidence is built upon external validation. In reality, everyone you encounter is a reflection of yourself. There is a Buddhist saying: “When a Buddha sees a Buddha,” which means that if you truly understand this principle, those deeply rooted feelings of inferiority will disappear in an instant.

Let’s first consider a common phenomenon: why is it that when no one knows what you are doing, you feel freer and more at ease, but the moment your friends, colleagues, or parents become aware of your work, life, or decisions, you start encountering various struggles? This concept is elaborated in The Inner Game of Tennis, where it is observed that excessive verbal coaching does not necessarily improve a student’s tennis skills.

The interplay between Self 1 (the inner critic) and Self 2 (the physical self) determines whether one can achieve a perfect flow state. The idea is that once others become aware of your goals, the pure and uninhibited momentum you initially had can be instantly disrupted. But why does this happen? The answer lies in mental resource allocation. When an audience is present, we are forced to allocate a portion of our mental energy to accommodate their expectations, rather than fully focusing on our own experience.

This happens because we operate within multiple evaluation systems that regulate our behavior. To illustrate this point more vividly, let’s take the example of the movie Cast Away, starring Tom Hanks. Imagine that the protagonist (let’s call him “Hanks”) is stranded on a deserted island. In this environment, he does not care about his appearance, nor does he obsess over whether he is failing at building a fire or foraging for food.

However, if he were part of a reality TV survival show, he would become aware that there are cameras hidden all around the island. In this situation, his mental energy would have to navigate at least two different evaluation systems. The first system requires him to focus on actual survival, while the second requires him to ensure that he appears competent to the audience. Since his audience consists of diverse groups—fans who admire his survival skills, critics who scrutinize his every move, and his loved ones who worry about his suffering—his cognitive resources would be divided among these conflicting concerns. The greater the diversity of his audience, the more fragmented his mental focus would become, ultimately leading to poorer performance.

How Should We Handle This?

The typical advice people give is “Don’t care about what others think, just be your authentic self.” I propose a new perspective: as mentioned at the beginning of this article, “When a Buddha sees a Buddha”—because everyone you encounter and everything you see in others is, in essence, a reflection of yourself.

In reality, in all aspects of life, you will realize that you are the only person truly present. An interesting observation is that while attention can sometimes create stress, attention itself is not the root cause of stress. Instead, stress arises from the knowledge that others are watching you.

Here’s something even more profound: the “audience” you feel is watching you is not actually other people—it is yourself (Self 1). It’s as if we are all trapped in a hall of mirrors, where what we perceive is not an external gaze but rather our own expectations and judgments of ourselves.

There is a saying: “The world you see is not you; the world you see is a reflection of you.” What does this mean? It means that what others see in you is not your true self but rather their projection of their own perceptions and understanding. Likewise, what you see in others is not their true self but rather your mental projection onto them.

We are all like projectors—our thoughts shine outward, but in the end, they reflect back onto ourselves. Once we understand this, we can see why people who worship certain figures or books do so not because the object of their admiration is perfect, but because of their own inner insecurities.

For example, people who deeply revere a particular book often do so because, for a long time, they have felt insecure about their own knowledge. The moment someone presents a book as authoritative, they cling to it as a way to alleviate their self-doubt.

The Game of Human Perception

Humans are constantly playing a game that only makes sense to themselves. This means that the external audience we think about—whether admirers or critics—is not real. Those you admire are just projections of your own desires and insecurities. They only exist within your own consciousness.

Just like in the survival reality show, Hanks never realized that the external world was not controlling him—he was controlled by his own mental perception of that world. Similarly, those who worship others are often unaware that their admiration is not based on objective perfection, but on their own unfulfilled needs and inner struggles.

However, once you recognize your innate sufficiency, once you see through the illusion of “others”, and once you understand that this entire journey has only ever been about you, then you will finally experience true freedom. After all, at this very moment, the “I” that is reading this article may also just be a reflection of your vast inner self.

Everything is one unified existence. No one is actually watching you—only you are. The brain acts as the source of projection, and what our eyes perceive is simply a reflection of our own mind. We care about what others think not because their opinions matter, but because we have not yet fully accepted ourselves.

A different way of saying “Don’t care about what others think” is: “Others’ opinions of you are simply their projections of their own world.” So, what others think of you is not you—what you see in others, that is you.